Spiral Timeline

this blog goes out to those in choral speaking and choir during the PKTR 07…

just wanna share a few thoughts on the whole facade that we had to go through vigorously during the second half of the camp. i’ve approached the guy concerned about this.

face it… who felt frustrated? any hands? mann.. to tell u the truth, i was freaking frustrated… in my small little mind, i was not really happy that auzan had all the things in the world to say while all of us 3 bench-ers had to execute all the things in the world told to us by him. frustration… tension… disagreements… disputes arose… definitely.. whether in concrete manner or in our inner selves, secretly eddying in our hearts.

we’re all leaders. and we’re so used to leading that we forget that GOOD leaders are BETTER followers. That day’s choral speaking really reminded me of that, the concept, which brought me to where i am nowadays, joining the best, the chosen ones in this auspicious camp. i’m sure most of us won’t disagree to having a tough start back at school. obstacles and problems flung at us indefinitely and incessantly. however, i believe that all these are those that also make us who we are today. we did not see these as problems, but come to think of it, it’s an opportunity not only to learn, but also to prove that we are capable. virtually no obstacle is insurmountable. and us being able to ’surmount’ them is what separates us from the rest…

therefore, as a tribute to the script writers, who spent several sleepless nights trying to devise an ingenius performance for our final night, especially auzan who not only wrote but also participated in the moulding of our impeccable group, thank you so much.

you guys weren’t only there to lead us, but more importantly, to remind me, if not all others, abt the key conception that GOOD LEADERS ARE EVEN BETTER FOLLOWERS. we’ve got a long way to go… and a long way we came from, an even longer path awaits our footsteps… good luck to all, and never stop learning or improving… skills are our trade, dynamism is our way.

godspeed.

ah PKTR 07, past but an unforgettable 12 days together with 70 people who seemed strangers at first but not in awhile. on the dunno number what night, we had solo drop no? question is…. is it solo?

creeping into the final days of our stay as a herd (:P), the next on the agenda is solo drop, or night walk. the latter seemed more fitting to the activity we were about to embark on. Most of us, being leaders back at home and school, know what solo drop meant. No lanterns or company. just a solitary stroll across the woods till the other end came.

an hour before the designated commencing time, we were told not to bring our lifesavers - torchlights - along. i can bet shivers went down almost all of our spines even when most of us would have undergone such a dark expedition before. so i and ashwin set off from our room to the back of MSN melacca, where most of u guys are already there waiting and chatting, like what our team is named after.

after a short briefing by the commando in charge, we set off into the woods in single file. most of us, as expected, have not brought torchlights along with us. in soft whispers, i could hear voices echoing silently amidst creepy sounds of wild insects which seemed to emerge from all directions. in a small section of my little heart, i asked the same question repeatedly, sometimes continually, ‘when are we gonna take on something we will never want to do?’ the solo walk.

deeper and deeper went us into the woods, the overhanging rich-leaved canopy has swallowed what little stars the skies above us held. the moon was sleeping, unwilling to guide us on our perilous journey past the jungle. as minutes passed, the jungle began to sport more and more exotic creatures - crickets, foliage, large leaves, etc. plants akin too miniature palm trees displayed menacing-looking thorns all the way up its spine. in the dark, this could prove to be a deadly liability to one who depends a lot on plants for support, and with just an average of 1-2 torchlights per group, its lethality is increased exponentially.

after awhile, we were stopped, in the middle of god-knows-where. the group has broken into two, or so we’re told, unintentionally. how on earth could that have happened? i could roughly make out the outline of the last man in our line (i was in the front). 45 minutes effortlessly went by for measures to be taken. one of them guides retraced our steps to find the others as all of us here sat where we are, ignorant to whether there were leeches or large ants under our butts.

we ended up at the other end of a lake, a very large one. tired and weary, we marched back towards our rooms. it was a good walk to begin with, and to end with, something i keep asking till this very day, how could that have happened? if everyone had followed the one in front, could we have broken into two? if everyone said that they had been following the person right before him/her, who was this mysterious person in front of the first guy who led the entire back team off-track? hmmmmmm….

I’m at college now, logging on from one of the many powerful computers available at ‘the web’ (a vast and interconnecting computer system located near the cafeteria). I’m just done with Chemistry ‘grading’ which involves an experiments and various calculations that’s supposed to…. shall i say, serve as a yardstick of our skills thus far.

And i must say, it is a total rush.. it all began with a relaxed run through of the experimental procedures as everyone rushed for the chemicals stationed at the back of the class (i was at the helm). after most of them are settled in at their workstations, i casually walked over to collect mine… in the end, i’m the one left rushing abt trying to finish my calculations in time (there’s an experiment part and a calculations part which comes after the former). lousy chemicals gave me a brownish tint when i wanted the widely-expected pink. useless.. so i had to discard one of my readings and prepare for the next. have i not succeed in my second one, i would have been left without any calculations at all…

Malaysian studies been cancelled.. that’s probably the best explanation for why i’m languishing in the web with my best friend here, not having our heels hot running towards the cafes and restaurants to have a bite.. that’s next on the itinary. another 100 minutes to laze, and reflect on what i did wrong during the exp… lacking speed? no idea.. gtg..

i’m back here writing again, after initiating (and finding it difficult to end) a long break from this blog. Noticed that i don’t get a lot of viewers but that’s fine. Little stuff abt the recent and latest me:

• a) i’m working
• i’m driving people around a lot (i think), including my bro to tuition, which is sometimes inconvenient
• i’m at taylor’s college (it isn’t bad at all, just expensive)
• i’m having second (most probably more than that)-thoughts abt doing a-levels at college
• dilemma-ing over strategies to secure a scholarship, most likely a merit one
• still wondering whether i have enough time to take  up a new skill or language, minus the time off studying and working

yawn, it’s rather late now… approximately half past midnight and i just completed my further math 1 hw. and oh btw, i find further math interesting and cool. Lecturer may be a little quirky but in my opinion, his brain outweighs all of ours. my books are all con-jobs, all except one, cool eh? 5 college texts for abt 200 bucks.. so cool.. hehe… okay, time to go… most likely blogging again soon. nite…

bio’s over… BIO’s OVER… That particular thought wouldn’t cease from racing past the interneurones in my brain. However, i’m not the expected ‘yay’ish person. Overcomed by mixed emotions, i’ve several regrets and things to grumble about that wretched subject.

1. Of course bio’s over, happy happy happy.. glad glad glad… elated overjoyed and just.. whoo-hooo…

2. I decided to skip some ‘logical’ chapters in form 4(the two last chapters) and i didn’t have enough time to properly revise form 5… Aftermath: those three chapters came out for three of four essay questions.. what a bummer.. =(

3. there’s still accounts… dang… it’s not something i fear.. but it’s something i worry terribly for… acc is prone to mistakes… and one mistake leads to another which leads to another, setting off a chain reaction that just… treat yr marks like a mass defect and it all converts to heat energy and dissipates into air… sighz… i’ve three days… i’m not sure if i should go over to my juniors’ patrol camp on wednesday… accounts is on thursday.. they really wanted a senior there… however, i’m not familiar with the drive there and i’m always unsure if i should due to energy reasons… after all, accounts is right after that day… SPM arrrr, why so ma fan? scouting’s my life.. and it has caused me to take my ‘miss camps’ counter to three if i didn’t attend this… sighzzzzzzzzz… 3’s bad…

in the meantime, i’m looking at this… ‘tales of pirates ver 1.36 union war expansion’ thingy by the side of this page… can’t help but laughing at the guy… look at him… he’s less than a sack of bones, his posture is….. gee… he lacks a hat and he seems desperate enough to fit in by spiking his hair and replacing the eyepatch with a folded cloth of pokedotted purple…. LOL… see ya guys…

Mom used to run a printing business and so, i barely caught sight of her at home or anywhere else considering she would dart off to work by 5 in the morning and only returned home at midnight, at the very least. Therefore, my life was filled with people other than my parents, since dad surrendered his life to God in a car accident when i was 2.

By the tender age of 8, Aunt Betty was the angel of my life. She took all initiative to ensure that i got everything and anything a normal girl would want and ask for. As she was married to a rich property dealer who earned more than he could spend, Aunt Betty had all the time in the world for me. She took me to school, fetched me back, pampered me with goodies and took me on exciting shopping sprees. I could express myself to her without feeling the slightest apprehension or reluctance. She understood me well and she lent her pair of ears whenever i needed them, whether i had something spiteful to say or when i’m in cloud nine.

As the years crept past, my relationship with mom loosened. We both felt that we don’t even know each other anymore, or so i thought. We only meet during weekends and even that’s limited to a few hours because she still works half-day that time. I rarely turned to her for advice and she did not seem to care for her only daughter. And so, in the passing of time, i became attached to Aunt Betty, mom’s only sister.

When i was 14, my life took a large turning point. Aunt Betty passed away in a freak accident - a collision between two ferries off the coast of Pangkor Island. As the ferry began to gurgle and take up water, Aunt Betty had shoved me the only life jacket left and pushed me off the deck of the sinking vessel. After that, it was all a blur. Everyone pushed and shouted. Voices of all types clogged my mind while unknown hands tried to cling onto me due to the lack of life jackets on board the ship. I fought hard, swam to the nearest island in sight and there i sat, arms around my knees close to my chest. Tears welled up unwillingly in my eyes as i awaited assistance from the mainland. There, i prayed hard, prayed that Aunt Betty had survived, prayed that she had the strength to swim and stay afloat, prayed that rescue personnel had picked her up, prayed that she was safe and prayed that i would see and hug her for one last time.

Hands shook me from head to foot. I awoke in a startle and found that red uniform-clad men were trying to wake me from my deep slumber. I asked about my aunt, yet there were no answers. I screamed and shouted and broke down in the end. I knew the outcome. I did not have to get a response - Aunt Betty had left me.

Her departure dealt a severe blow to my life and spirit. With my primary pillar of support gone, i now depended on my mom for what Aunt Betty used to offer. However, her death was also a heavy loss for mom, who has lost all her family members except her beloved daughter. After the funeral, mom and i began to distance ourselves. We wallowed ourselves in self pity and self loss, not knowing the need for one another that only sat silently in our hearts.

A year later, i was diagnosed with a rare disease with an extremely long name (which i could not remember). It causes abnormal growth in human bodies and dries skin to the point they crack and bleed. Almost immediately, i was cleared for an operation to remove whatever build-up was causing this disorder. The last thing i remembered was the bright light suspended right above me as i lay down on the cold metal table. And oh yeah, there was a sharp pain in my right arm too, then everything went blank.

I awoke in a ward and the worst perception of pain was introduced to me. An excruciating agony throbbed at my back and pelvis as i began to take in my new surroundings. In response to the intolerable pain, tears rolled down my cheeks. Almost unexpectedly, a warm hand held mine and my tears were wiped off. It was mom. She was there. Without any thought i hugged her like i never did before. The pain in me flowed out in torrents as though she had the power to take it away. We embraced each other for some time as she muttered the words "i’m sorry" a few hundred times but it was the first one that mattered. It was the start of something new, the beginning of a relationship, a bond so strong that it should never be neglected in life.

Have you brushed yr parents aside? Are u waiting for something like this to have you realise yr parents love for you? Don’t wait. Appreciate them. It is very easy to say that their life is much easier without us. Expenses wouldn’t be so burden-some and stress levels would be at minimum. Yet they gave up these large assets in life in return for life itself - us. How have you treated yr parents? Think about it…

adapted from: The Unemotional Logic, Aaron Yip, 2005

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I know what’s bugging me at this time but i can wager my 17 years of life that no one else would ever guess it. That excludes some ppl.. LOL… It’s so unfair, as someone so readily put it. I didn’t mean it, yet i know, without any knowledge in the world, how bad it/they is/are. I know how it feels, yet what in god’s name can i do or offer to remedy it?

In the meantime, someone’s blog really stimulated my senses. Some cool language and in-comparable (so far) expressiveness can be detected reaaaaaal easily. Hope so much that i may learn from him/her. He/She’s such an examplary model, a shining example, a torch in the bleakness of defeat.

I don’t know what came into me. Am i being too truthful? Should i have lied? In what manner do actions speak louder than words, i may ask. Yet i am ready to bet that the answer would come in riddles. As i sit here, bombarded by the strong winds of an ELBA fan, countless thoughts pummels with equal force at all corners of my brain. What can i do? Tell me…

I’m losing it. I know it… sigh… Amateur isn’t the word… I don’t even sum up to a newbie, to be honest.

SPM’s just around the bend. Despite that, i’m still rather distracted by a host of stuff happening and present around me, for instance, what i’m doing now when i should be acquiring enough rest for a brand new day tomorrow. My sleep’s disturbed (not that i blame anyone) and this (blogging), is its effect.

I need to study. My sejarah text book is sitting cooly by my bedside with a green stabilo highlighter perching neatly on it. Four pairs of eyes look up at me as i stare blankly into its depths. ‘How to memorise?’ thought my lil calm heart (that’s soon to panic). Aside from that, there’s this pile of acc homework due by tuesday. I’m such a lazy loafer.

I’m gonna try to tuck myself into bed soon. However, i know, deep in the darkest pockets of my mind, that my sleep won’t present itself till some time has passed. It’s getting later into the morning and my alarm is set at 6. A quick calculation would give me sleep time of 3 hours or less.

Time to go…

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yWho’s ever stopped short from the hustle and bustle of life to take note of small things that are blind to the hectic eye but rather prominent to the calm and steady one? Well, i’m not exactly one all-day-laze buff who’s got all the time in the world to notice every small and teeny weeny detail about life. But as i’m fatigued by a long day of driving and getting around to places besides the clock dials assuming the rough shape of an ‘L’, my weary mind seems to open up to more things although compromising on some as well (the more important stuff in life).

As i stare blankly around, i pick up lil details. A closer inspection of my common RM 5 knife revealed some rather interesting stuff. Get a pocket knife. Check out its blade. See the edge of it, the sharp one? Take a closer look at it. What do u see? Mine shows some interesting straight lines. They curve gradually from the outside of the blade till its edge, producing a sharp line. Then there’s the skill in producing such blades. They must not be oversharpened or else they chip and display a lousy cutting-ability.

Spider webs caught my attention as well. Did you know that they don’t always assume the shape of that regular polygon thingy? they may appear as 3D matrices. And when a touch of dew adorns it, it’s really a magnificent structure. It amazes me to think of how nature has its way around.

Everything’s perfect, don’t u think? The continuity of species, our Earth, the sun, the moon, the calendar, the hours in a day, the seconds, the 26 alphabets, the 10 digits, the chemical reactions, the cycles, everything. What if we didn’t have 10 digits for our numbers? What if we’d come up with 6 alphabets short? Would everything be as perfect as now? We’ve come a long way, don’t u think? God’s balanced everything almost so perfectly that it continues on its own accord. Everything’s perfect and we’re spoiling it, polluting the environment and so on. What’s wrong with us? can’t we just walk another five minutes to find a rubbish bin instead of littering? does a sweet wrapper weigh a tonne to be kept for another few minutes?

These are the few things we do not realise we have. The little things, microscopic characteristics that ensure we are still living here. And yet we overlook them and say we control every aspect of our lives. If God didn’t decide all these, will we have been able to?

ps: I don’t think we control every aspect of our lives. but i do believe we do 90% of the time. I thank God for our world, but i believe i have to work for what i want and not just hope for it to fall from His hands, if it’s even possible.

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I know it’s been some time before i added anything to my out-of-date blog… most probably no one will even notice i added anything in here… but … i dunno… i just did another pathetic 10 pages of sejarah… i had fun though, unlike the other times when i only that fearful subject at the eleventh hour… often i’d spend abt 10-12 hours toiling over it the day before, throughout the night, into the morning and straightoff to school without a blink of sleep… no wonder i never had much knack for that subject… it’s a little different now though… although i managed a pitiful 10 pages, i seem to be able to absorb more than i usually will be able to… i highlighted too, something i rarely do for studying… i like my books clean and tidy, spick and span, some would say.. after all, my bro will have his hands on it… i would not want to ruin them for him, therefore i try to keep my books in perfect order…

something’s bugging me… i’m not sure what. after going off msn at abt 2, i’ve been up till now with sej, despite complaining of fatigue the entire day. i slept a whole lot yesterday, something i don’t do rather often. in fact, yesterday’s short bursts of slumber came in 1 hour installments, no idea why either. i’m rather disappointed with my english, thankful for my physics and other subjects though, all except bm… looks like i’ll never beat that one person i wanna beat all along… i’ve only got 11 subjects, how much firepower can i derive from that number to beat someone who has 11 A1’s and an A2? <feeling inferior> many say i’m being foolish, but am i? i need it don’t i? i’m hitting a wall if i don’t. how can anyone expect me to get anything less than an A1? it hurts to get anything other than an A1. i need it, my family needs it. stepping into form 6 isn’t exactly bad…. but it’s always good to be better than worse right? i’m worried sick… will i be able to make it? if i don’t? if i do but later don’t? will i end up on the streets? sigh…

then there’s this matter banging at the back of my head. it’s been throbbing for weeks, months maybe years. i’ve been waiting too long, for too many… how could i? i was and am stupid, but i’ve not been able to shake it off. why can’t i? i want to, so much… yet, it’s never made an effort to take off from my head, as though it’s bound to curse me for life. what if it does? am i doomed? embarrassment to my family? others say it’ll go, but it’s shown no signs of improvement. perhaps i’m just paranoid, but paranoid-ness is my key to improvement, or so my philosophy goes.

i need time. yet i’m wasting it as though it’s as abundant and ample as running river water. why can’t i just discipline myself to study and work on more vital facets of life instead of agreeing so much to do things that aren’t important in this last phase of my secondary life?

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These are a few lines that may guide you in thy life and actions. I hope they help you in your path to glory… hehe… These few are chosen (or made up by me) to specially help those who are bogged in predicaments or who can’t think clearly at a certain given time.

1. Better earlier than late, better late than never.
2. Truth may be a 5-minute prison but lies are 5-minute freedom.
3. Luck is nothing but a dart on a bicolour dartboard.
4. Anticipate the worst and the worse would be better.
5. Knowledge crosses to wisdom when its bridge is rationale.
6. Light may mask or spawn shadows.

  I find that these few have helped me a fair amount throughout my life. I hope they do the same for you. To those who fail to discern its meanings, i’d continually add more of these ‘guardian angels’ or explain them in the near future… Good luck…